The Book:
Being The Adult They Need
Being the Adult They Need: Who We Are for Children in Distress is a practical, reflective book about what we bring to our relationships with children affected by trauma, adversity and distress.
This book didn't start as a plan.
It started in the moments after work, driving home, sitting with something that didn't quite sit right.
For years, the real thinking happened in the gaps. A staffroom conversation. A few minutes after a shift with someone who understood. Somewhere along the way, most of us lost that space, the informal, unguarded kind where you could ask a question you didn't feel safe asking anywhere else.
This book grew out of trying to build that space back. Not a behaviour system. Not a set of scripts. A record of what actually changed for me, working with children whose behaviour didn't always make sense on the surface, but always made sense when I looked a little deeper.
It's the move from managing behaviour to understanding what sits beneath it. From reacting in the moment to reflecting afterwards. From asking how do I stop this? to asking who am I being, right now, for this child?
This book will
Give you real stories and honest reflections from the work
Include moments I got wrong, not just the ones I got right
Ask you to include yourself in the answer, without being harsh about it
What it is, and what it isn't
This book won't
Hand you a behaviour system that works for every child
Give you scripts or a checklist to follow
Promise you'll get it right every time
What people are saying
“If you want to know what authenticity looks like read on! Wisdom gleaned through honest, vulnerable, reflective practice [...]. A must read for those who might one day want to call themselves trust builders.” - Louise Michelle Bombèr, Creator of Allado, Author, Teacher and Therapist
"This short, experience-based book speaks directly to anyone whose working life brings them into daily contact with young people who often struggle to get through each day. It acknowledges that there are sound approaches, practice models, techniques but it foregrounds the centrality of the carer-child relationship. In particular, it will be a tonic to residential child care workers, teaching assistants, nurses whose essential task is to ‘be there’ to provide a personal, tuned-in, dependable relationship. It will also bring understanding of the care-worker’s role to the social workers, team leaders, advocates who work with them in ‘teams around the child'." - June Thoburn, Emeritus Professor of Social Work at the University of East Anglia
"I can’t praise this book enough. In a profession where the needs of pupils are becoming increasingly complex and adult roles increasingly diverse, this book provides a safe space for self-reflection. Essential reading for anyone who wants to see and respond to behaviour through a trauma-informed lens and want to delve deeper into the ‘why’ behind trauma-informed approaches. It’s about self-reflection, learning from mistakes and doing better when we know better. For staff who work with trauma-experienced pupils and need to consistently show up and be emotionally available, this is the book those adults need." - Rachel Thynne, SEMH Outreach Lead Teacher and author of Behaviour Barriers and Beyond and Understanding Anxiety at School
HOW IT’S BUILT
Part One
The Lens
How we see children. Behaviour as communication, and why what looks like defiance is often something else entirely underneath.
Part Two
The Mirror
What we bring into the room ourselves. Our stress, our history, our habits, and what it actually means to stay steady under pressure.
Part Three
The Culture
How we build (or lose) the culture that lets this way of working survive beyond one person in one good moment.
For teaching and professional learning
Being the Adult They Need is written for people working alongside children, but also to create conversation about practice.
The book asks questions that don't always have neat answers. What happens when we understand a child's behaviour, but still find ourselves reacting to it? What happens to us when a child rejects us, frightens us, pushes against a boundary or simply gets under our skin? And how does what we bring into the room shape what happens next?
Its three-part structure — The Lens, The Mirror and The Culture — offers a way of exploring those questions with people preparing to work with children, as well as those already doing the work.
It may be particularly relevant to teacher education, SEND and inclusion, social work, child and youth care, residential childcare and trauma-informed professional learning.
Teaching or training?
If you're considering the book for a course, reading list or professional learning, I'd be very happy to hear from you.